Standing as a witness...

So here's the deal.

I'm super sensitive to violence. I mean super super sensitive. Seeing it. Hearing it. Reading it. It all makes me physically sick to my stomach. I can't even watch anime with out having nightmares. It's a little silly.

Something about tapping into the psyche of God as a missionary and being expanded beyond my normal capacity to love and caring more about the people i was serving than i ever believed possible. After reaching that weird mother-like Christ-like love for strangers on the street, it just started freaking me out to think of other people committing acts of violence against them.

And so returning from France means no more anime. No more Borne identity. Weird.

And now, i'm about to go live in a country that has been plagued by some of the worst violence in the history of humanity.

I decided before I go to Rwanda, i need to be fully aware of all that happened there. Just so i know i'm going with my eyes wide open. So i started reading my birthday book from Sarah called "As we forgive." The author said that you have to really grasp the dept of the autrocities to really get the power of reconcilliation that is happening there. And so the author, goes into detail about all these horrible things - only in the context to fully explain the gift of forgivness that has come to these people.

So i start reading. And the nightmares start coming.

Friday, I dreamed about a gang beating in my driveway. And i was stuck in my house and did nothing. I called the police and they said stay in your house and don't get involved. I tried to hide but then all my doors turned to glass and i had to watch. It was horrible. It was horrible becuase i was so helpless. and so scared!

Saturday, I dreamed i was trapped in a camp. At first it was fine and I made friends. But then everyone that was my friend got hurt. And the camp leaders made me watch terrible things happening to everyone that had talked to me. And i tried to run and I got caught. They set me in the middle of the villiage and wouldn't let me run but i was too scared to talk to anyone because i didn't want them to get hurt. And i woke up paniced about what influence was doing to people.

And so Sunday, i was worried about my ability to handle all of this information in my body. And wondering if i will be able to deal with being in Rwanda and hearing the stories first hand and seeing the pain caused by all of this.

Clearly my psyche can not handle the idea of violence. Either becuase i'm afraid, or because i'm crazy, or becuase my soul is sending me a message. But what is the message? What do I do with all of this?

And last night it hit me. I can't DO anything. The violence is done. I can't go back and change what has happened.

But I can be a witness. Half the problem was not knowing exactly what was happening. Denying that humans could actually do something like that to their neighbors. Thinking that these horrible crimes were reserved for Nazis and our great-grandparents generation of the uninlightened.

But I can stand up in full awareness of the terrible things that have happened to humanity, my brothers and sisters. And my full witness, not sugar coated, not glazed over, full open and accepted...then maybe, maybe it won't happen again.

And so my pyche is making me go through this to see if i will shy away from this, to see if i will let my fear overpower my love. To see if i will be more reserved, more careful with my trust out of selfish self preservation.

But once you've tapped into the psyche of God, the love of humanity, it's hard to go back from that.

But i still don't have to watch anime!