pesky little personal pep talks

I always said, when life get's to comfortable, it's time to move.

And so November 22nd, i loaded a trailer. life was comfortable. I was comfotable. I loved my little french cafe apartement. I easily knew my way to church, taco bell, and payless. I had a favorite mountain spot. I knew the bus route, when the grocery store got new apples, where the best soup is served on tuesdays. I had my own little comfort zone. My desk job. My favorite gas station.

and i hate that while secretly loving it. I hated how average i was feeling, how settled everything had become. While secretly enjoying the simplicity of my little world.

And so God threw a metephorical brick and said "hey you there...get a move on it. You want growth, I'll give you something to shake it up a bit!"

And so off i went on an adventure.

And i've noticed consciously - it is soooo uncomfortable for me. And well...I'm loving it! I'm waking up. It's like the numness is wearing off. it's like someone spilled comfortable all over my favorite dress and now i'm scrubbing it off with ultra strong quicker picker upper.

and i find in all this stretching very uncomfortable.

Like singing a solo at the church christmas party. Several solos. That are really high. under a spot light. in a tight hot red sweater.

Or going to a single adult dance. With my parents. And there was a boy table. and a girl table. and an old people table. and i didn't know...do i brave the boy table...do i make friends with the girl table...do i sit with my parents...aaahhhh...this is akward.

A brief tangent to mention how great this experience was. My table was mom, dad (i caved), honey a middle aged mother of five who told us her life story - which i loved!, billy jo - who wore a name tag that said phat pink elephant, dee ann - a woman with nice bangs and a very shy smile, and her 17 year old daughter Christina.

Honey is bound and determined to find my soul mate. She swears he's in Tennesee. She knows every eligible guy in our stake. Which is a lot to say since it covers Kentucky, Illinois, and West Tennesee. Billy Jo, is at least 70, and swears that Bruce R McKonkie promised him 7 wives in the millenium. I was so preocupied with these two brilliant characters that i didn't get to know DeeAnn and Christan. They said they were too bashful to dance.

And the stake president, a young 80's music lover, my parents and me, stole the show dancing in front of everyone.

And then the 5k push on the tread mill. I cut 7 minutes off my time! SEVEN minutes!

and something i've noticed in all of these stretching situations - my self talk. I've become a constant self propeller. I have consciously noticed what i'm saying to myself. and I'm surprised. i've intentionally changed what i say to myself in my head. And in my panic moments in church bathroom stalls (which has happened more than ever in my life!) i'm surprised at what i'm saying. its actually good. I'm actually doing great at my personal pep talks. and im proud of myself!

and it's made all the difference.

And i'm stretching. and it's akward. and a little uncomfortable. but i'm owning it.

dreaming of the pas de deux

Last weekend, my family took an adventurous little road trip down back roads and one way streets, through construction, and deer crossings, to partake in a family tradition. The Nutcracker.

And yes...even in this back country of West Tennessee you can find ballet. And dang good ballet too!

And there were these two amazing - and I mean AMAZING - routines...are they called routines in ballet? or is that just cheerleading? Two great dances both pas de deux.

When Clara meets the Snow Queen and King and then the Sugar Plum Fairy. Oh my gosh...soooo moving! It's like the Snow King and the Cavalier just orbit around their princesses. Like her every move was his reason for being. Her lean left was his lean left. He was her support, her strenght, her spotlight, her enhancement, her focus. With out him, she is beautiful. But she can't possibly get as high or as far. With out her, he is amazing. But he doesn't seem so full of purpose.

and thus the pas de deux.

I just learned the name of pas de deux this summer on so you think you can dance. See video link below...

ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kM_64jY42Q

Best video i could find. They are kind of floating like ghosts...

ANYWAY...

Pas de deux. Step for Two or Not of Two. I think the official term in a ballet means step for two but the french translation could be not of two. They both fit.

It's litterally a joining of two dancers in a dance created specifically for them. A movement for two as one. Like the Sugar Plum Fairy and her Cavalier. He makes her Shine. She makes him Beautiful.

The dictionary calls it a close realtionship between two people as in doing an activiy.

Doesn't that sound like what a realtionship should be?

Pas de deux. A step for two in one dance that is not actually for two. It's for one. Because you are one. You move as one. You act as one. And it was a dance created just for you and your Snow King. and it's moving to watch becuase you are so in sync that it's beautiful. And then Tchaikovsky is constantly serenading your life.

And so I dream...

the secret life of bees

Today. I feel grumpy.

Someone told me how to create. Someone told me i can't create my way. and that makes me grumpy.

And my "too-many-richard-geer-movies" fairy tale world is suddenly not so shiney. And that is ok. It just means that this is no skip through the daisey post. and that's ok too.

So. Here i am. Living with my parents. Unemployed. Scramling a little. Trying to find my balance. I keep reminding myself it's the right thing. It's just the part of the adventure where the road gets a little steep.

and all this i know. sometimes it just doesn't sink.

But there is redemtion in my slightly grumpy pessimistic rantings. Bees.

Sue Monk Kidd has created a remarkably meaningful inspiring straight to the heart of me book called "the secret life of bees". A lost little girl finds joy and serenity in her own feminity and relationship to her divine self.

A few exerpts i found particularly compelling...

"you've been halfway living your life for too long. May was saying that when it's time to die, go ahead and die, and when it's time to live, live. Don't sort-of-mabye live, but live like you've gone all out, like you're not afraid."

"Every person on the face of the earth makes mistakes...every last one. We're all so human...There is nothing perfect. There is only life."

"drifting of to sleep, i thought of her. How nobady is perfect. How you just have to close yoru eyes and breathe out and let the puzzle of the human heart be what it is."

"our Lady is not some magical being out there somewhere, like a fairy godmother. She's not the statue in the parlor. She's something inside of you....You have to find a mohter inside yourself. We all do. Even if we already havea mother, we still have to find this part of ourselves inside...When you are unsure of yourself...when you start pulling back into doubt and small living, she's the one inside saying "get up from there and live like the glorious girl you are. She's the power inside you, you understand."

"and when you get down to it, that's the only purpose grand enough for a human life. Not just to love but to persist in love."

and even though i'm not exactly where mama august preaches, i'm progressing. And exactly where i'm at is ok. In the sunny yellow room. With my clothes all in boxes. And no idea how to get to Walmart. And where every road is up hill. And i'm caught up in the drama of someone else's life. and i have no idea what's around the corner and where two months will lead me.

and ya know what? it's ok.

my soul painting

a soul painting, according to the wise sages of my life, is a visual representation of your soul. an tangible snap shot of the intangible heart, thoughts, desires, hopes, dreams, weaknesses, callings, and everything else.

This is mine. The Sun Dancer. Not my original painting. Or even my title. But it's me just the same. Whatever gifted artist in the unending world of cyberspace created this painting, bless you for your gift. You must have known me.

A sun dancer. Not the light. Not the source of the light. But one who calls in light, radiates it, walks in it. Surrounded by it, she isn't burned by the overwhelming power of the light. She dances in it.

As i irresponsibly and wonderfully leave behind convention, security, stability, and predictability, i hope my true soul, my sun dancing soul, becomes more present on the surface. The cubicle cocoon is breaking. The beautiful claustrophobia of Logan is no longer limiting me. The dysfunctional security of what i wanted is making way for what is really there.

It's time to dance.