week 2 and counting

wow! Africa is kicking my white muzungo butt! Seriously!

Today is Monday. It's 5pm. And i'm contemplating all the reprocussions of coming home early...which is so dissapointing to myself.

This has by far been the most difficult transition of my life. Not only the living situation, the food, the money, the staring, the transportation, and the people but the pace of work... It's just all so different! I've started to adjust to all the physical aspects of my life choice to live in Africa among the people for the next six weeks. I've even found a way to comfortablly sleep with no pillow. And the bucket shower is not so bad because my sister had the genius idea to send me with wet wipes.

But the work! the work is making me crazy! and not the Rwandans. It's the Americans in Rwanda that make me crazy. Maybe it's becuase i'm the newest staff member - if i'm even considered staff - maybe becuase i'm not staff at all - but seriously! I just wish they would get their expectations and priorities and desires straight, communicated, clarified. AHHHHHHH!!!!

On a better note.

I went to church yesterday. Oh how i love the sweet spirit of God. I love that i can go to a church on the other side of the world and feel home. I love that the opening prayer was a young man praying - more like pleading - with God to please bring the Gospel into their hearts. Please Lord, Please just help us understand how to be better people. It was the most sincere and beautiful prayer. And i was so overcome with love for these wonderful faithful people just doing their best to try to get by. Walking 65 minutes just to get to church. My family took 45 minutes 2 bus rides and at least a half mile walk up the road. And these people don't just wear their every day skirts to church. They bust out their finest. When i asked my family about that - they looked shocked. They said "don't you? i mean it IS church shai!" so sweet!

We studied the Psalms in sunday school. One that stood out to me was Psalms 116:12 "What shall i render unto the Lord for all his benefits towards me?" I feel that when i'm surrounding by God's love, and Sprit and goodness. What have i done to deserve such a beautiful experience? What could i ever do for God to show how grateful I am to have witnessed that sweet moment?

And the message came in the closing hymn. And it struck a painful chorde with me then as it does writing it right now ( how quickly I forget and slip into selfishness!). The song has emotional significance to me anyway becuaes it's always God's hymn of reminder that sneaks up on me when i'm questioning my life.

It may not be on a mountaint height
or over the stormy sea
it may not be at the battle's front
my Lord will have need of me.

But if by a still small voice he calls
to path that i do not know
i'll answer dear Lord with my hand in thine
I'll go where you want me to go.

Perhaps today there are loving words
which jesus woudl have me speak;
There may be now in the paths of sin
Some wand'rer whom i should seek.

O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide
Tho dark and rugged the way,
My voice shall echo the message sweet
I'll say what you want me to say.

And this is the doozy....

There's surely somewhere a lowly place
in earth's harvest field so wide
where i may labor through life's short day
for Jesus the crucified.

So trusting my all to thy tender care
and knowing thou lovest me,
i'll do they will with a heart sincere
I'll be what you want me to be.

I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord, over mountain or plain or sea. I'll say what you want me to say dear Lord; I'll be what you want me to be.

Blessings,

Shai

(this is not exactly the posts i expected to be writing! But it's where i'm at at this moment and it's honest. I'm so imperfect and often overwhelmed by my own imperfections. But maybe you can be better than me by seeing how retarded i am - and that, in fact, is the point!)